That’s pretty much what has happened to me in the last week only replace the words “sleeping” with “beer comas” and “Ralph Nader” with simply “Sinbad.”
My lack of being able to find out anything interesting about the world has reached a pre
tty low point. How low? I just spent about an hour on WaldoPedia. No, not Eddie Winslow’s slow witted yet good natured friend that we all remember from TGIF original and NAACP Image Award-Winning* Family Matters. I'm talking about that little striped-out, jean wearing homo that we all spent countless hours trying to finger out of various crowds. Crowds that made up some of the most fucked up societies I’ve ever seen. (Enlarge the picture on the right and take a look at what’s going on to get a good idea of what I’m talking about. You have about half the people keeling over, old men having their canes stolen away, and a goofy red and white clad tourist who thinks of this as a vacation and avoids these horrors by inconspicuously blending into the crowd.)*I'm assuming.
The point is, I’m a 22 year old college graduate. There is absolutely no good excuse for me indulging in anything that even remotely resembles the Where’s Waldo experience. I’m way too old for that and Lost in Translation is pretty much the same thing only with 90% more Bill Murray. So what the fuck am I doing?
It’s times like these where I have to really search for motivation. Usually, I go to Google and do searches like “Justin+beiber+small pox” and see what the internet throws back at me, but that wasn’t doing it for me today. However, inspiration finally struck when I looked at the calendar hanging in my office. After having a co-worker explain to me what these were used for, I took a look to see if there was any interesting dates coming up. And boy was there! Halloween!
Upon being reminded of this, I was instantly filled with wicked delight for this mischievous holiday. However it didn’t take me long before I realized the constant downside to All Hallow's Eve: annoying Halloween costumes.
So here we go. My boredom at work combined with my neurotic hatred for most of society has led me to present you viewers in Blogland with this inclusive AND exclusive (double for your buck!) list of Halloween Costumes That Need To Be Retired or Are Just Really Stupid.
1.) Audrey Hepburn
God I had to get this one out of the way. Listen ladies, there is no faster way to get me to hate you than by dressing up as this chain smoking artifact from the 1950s.
This is a costume exclusively worn by ugly art students who want you to know how much more sophisticated their film taste is than yours. Only these girls don’t know the difference between “sophisticated” and “old stuff that was shot in black and white.”
What separates this one from the rest is no matter how many times we've all seen girls with daddy issues sporting this costume, any girl who's wearing it will insist it was there own original idea. And maybe up to 20% of them have actually seen an Audrey Hepburn movie. I’m not saying Ms. Hepburn wasn’t a big star for her time, but if you’re still watching her movies and being entertained by them you need to finally upgrade from projector to DVD player and pop in a copy of The House Bunny to see a true quality example of women in cinema.
Oh and by the way, Audrey Hepburn is dead. Way to be a buzzkill on Halloween ladies.
2.) Th
e JokerIf you haven’t seen the The Dark Knight, please return back to the harvest as I’m sure all the other communists are wondering where you have gone. For those who stayed, this should come as no surprise. The excess of Joker costumes were bad enough back when this movie came out, and it’s gotten more cliché and lame as the years have gone on. Almost to the point where it’s now cliché to hate Joker costumes. Nonetheless if you think of going as the Joker for this Halloween, I’m sure you’ll be getting a phone call from 2008 asking for their unoriginality back.
3.) The Ghostbusters
Muslims forbid drawings of Muhammad, so why should America allow four vagrant college pussies who don’t even know what a Proton Pack is taint the sacred image of Peter, Raymond, Egon and Ernie Hudson? I would embellish this paragraph had that previous sentence not been the best point made by anybody ever.
4.) Sexy Spongebob Square Pants
None of my friends are registered sex offenders so I’m not aware of anyone who is actually going to go as this, but it’s something my friend told me about that sent chills down my spine. There’s just nothing right about this. I accept and embrace the slutty appeal of Halloween but this is just taking it to uncomfortable lengths. And even if you’re a costume designer who insists on being a closet pedophile by trying to tailor a “sexy” version of a children’s cartoon character, I still don’t think Spongebob is the way to go. You might be able to emphasize the sexiness more if you made the costume of a character that isn’t an anthropomorphic male toiletry.
5.) Puns / Play On WordsYou have no idea how badly this irritates me. Halloween is about mischievous thrills and wild inhibitions, not a forum for your stupid ass to display how clever you are with the English language.
The worst example of this happened two years ago at one of my fraternity’s Halloween parties. Some willy wonka was walking around our basement with a CD-R tied around his neck, and a lighter in his hand. After asking him what he was supposed to be, he replied “I’m a CD burner.”
Too bad Mass. State Law has adopted very strict “don’t set people on fire” policies because I would’ve set ablaze to not only the remainder of that blank disc but the idiot that it was attached to.
So there you have it. This October 31, try not to embarrass yourself by wearing one of these types of costumes. We'll be doing enough of embarrassing things through our actions without you having to thrive off of other people's outdated stupid costume ideas. Be safe, have fun, and don't dress up like a queer.
-Andrew G / Geno
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