Defending Charlie Sheen To TMZ

Charlie Sheen, after years of drug abuse and hooker dependency, was finally able to overcome and find great success not by getting clean, but by making these problems the basis of a fun-family sitcom. The American people found the playful take on this horrifying downward spiral of a confused, troubled derelict to be boisterously charming and cute. And when you add into the equation an impressionable twelve year to make joy lines at the expense of this sad story of a man, you get the #1 Most Watched Sitcom In America: Two and a Half Men.

Which is why I'm really surprised at TMZ's recent tirade on the world's most lovable sex offender. For the last two weeks, TMZ has been coming out with hilariously ridiculous story after hilariously ridiculous story, each one reporting Mr. Sheen's most recent crime against humanity. Charlie Sheen has been making the world a worse and worse place since the 1980's so the stories themselves are no surprises. However, this time TMZ is making me scratch my head. I'm not questioning the validity of these scoops, I'm surprised at the tone their taking. For the first time it seems as if they're actually CONDEMNING Mr. Sheen for his actions. And, quite frankly I don't get it.

Charlie Sheen has always been one of the few celebrities to get a consistent free pass during any sort of sex/drug scandal. Charlie Sheen could asphyxiate seventeen prostitutes during a money laundering scheme on a stolen yacht that was powered by pure uncut heroin, and the American public would just sigh, smile and say "Oh, Charlie Sheen. What am I going to DO with you?" Charlie Sheen is the only celebrity in which stories of sexual crimes and ecstasy trips actually HELP his image, rather than tarnish.

So where do you, TMZ, get off trying to all of a sudden instill morals into our society by making Charlie Sheen the bad guy? It's because of publications like yours glorifying his derelict behavior in the past that he has become a Network TV mega-star with absolutely no concept of morality in the first place. However now in 2011, TMZ's stories on Charlie have become more and more condescending. Consider the following post by TMZ:

"Charlie Sheen cannot be fired from "Two and a Half Men" for doing drugs, hiring hookers or any of his other antics ... because he doesn't have a "morals clause" in his contract, TMZ has learned.

Sources tell TMZ ... Charlie has never had a morals clause in his contract, which would allow Warner Bros. to fire him if he engaged in improper conduct that reflected badly on the show."

-http://www.tmz.com/2011/02/14/charlie-sheen-two-and-half-man-morals-clause-morality-drugs-cocaine-prostitutes/

Of course that's not in his contract, because doing drugs and hiring hookers is why CBS signed him to a contract in the first place. Don't make it seem like Charlie Sheen was shrewd enough to litigate such a clause against Paramount executives. PCP binges and attacking call-ladies with his penis is why CBS decided to build their entire Monday-night programming schedule around him in the first place.

In another article, TMZ writes:

"As we previously reported, Charlie hit up UCLA for some batting practice with a few major league buddies ... before giving an awesome anti-drug pep talk to the college team -- and the guy wasn't half bad. In fact, he almost hit a home run.

But "almost" ain't good enough for Charlie -- sources close to the actor tell us, he was distraught over his sub-par swinging skills ... so he made a beeline for the weight room and went back again today.

Who'da thunk Charlie would need help playing the field?"

-http://www.tmz.com/2011/02/11/charlie-sheen-baseball-swing-ucla-batting-practice-hit-the-gym-disappointed-swinger-bender-drugs

Lawl, TMZ. Seriously though, I don't understand this. Are you trying to say that Charlie's feeling a little bad about not being as good at baseball as Division 1 collegiate was induced by some sort of drug-crazed fit? For real, TMZ, this is some pretty lazy reporting. Charlie Sheen defiles a woman every 34.2 seconds -- which coincidentally is the exact mathematical rate that children are attacked by bears -- and the hottest scoop you can come up with is simply him leaving a baseball practice for a team that he was not apart of? Come on.

Let's move on to yet another article:

"Charlie Sheen has been texting several porn stars since he began treatment in his rehab program -- but TMZ has learned his messages are clear ... the party is OVER.

Among the messages Charlie has sent -- "Please lose the number, we are closed ... please drive through ... thank you."

Another text reads, "Right now we are on lockdown."

-http://www.tmz.com/2011/02/05/charlie-sheen-porn-stars-text-messages-closed-for-business-rehab-treatment-bender-two-and-a-half-men/

Charlie Sheen must be the only person that refers to not communicating with porn stars as "going on lockdown." Seriously though TMZ, leave the man alone already. Charlie Sheen not being able to befoul an underage Score.com chick, let alone resist the urge to text one of them without a picture of his Sheen - peen attached, must be like taking the guys first born child away.

Alright kiddos, I'm totally Sheened out. Until next time, stay strong and peace out.

-Andrew G. / Geno

Planet Fitness - The Crack Cocaine of the Gym Industry

I don't have a lot of money. I can barely afford the Internet connection that allows me to inspect bankofamerica.com and see just how badly the weekend has fucked any chance I had of paying the rent that was due six days ago. I have mastered the art of T hopping and my diet consists exclusively of potatoes, chicken patties, and occasionally Goldfish (when I really need that energy boost).

Throughout the sacrifices that a typical post-college lad has to deal with, staying in shape is still important to a lot of us, and I'm no exception. So I have two options. I could go running, but I guess the tax dollars that we spend to plow the sidewalks of Boston only apply to the ares of the city that AREN'T within a five mile radius of my apartment. I could do try to do push-ups and sit-ups in the comfort of my own room, but the collection of Natty-Ice cans and clothes that I refuse to pick up leaves me little room to do these exercises with perfect form. I even tried P90X for a few days before I wanted to shoot bullet holes all over Tony's perfect, saturated-fat free body.

So being unable to exercise on my own , I had no choice but to join a gym. But if you refer to Paragraph #1, my wallet has more expired Shaws cards than it does cold hard cash. So I had to really squeeze pennies, and I had to squeeze them fast while I still had the muscle strength to do so.

And guess what I found. ALL BOSTON GYMS ARE WAY TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE. Seriously. My buddy told me to join Boston Sports Club because "it's good for people on a budget." Believing that he was a good friend, I went to the front desk to check it out only for some DUDE who looked exactly like Mark Whalberg in Invincble to tell me it would cost me $60 a month to join his little steroid-of-the-month club. Thanks, but no thanks not-Mark Whalberg. Not only was it $60 a month but there was a 75$ start up fee, a $30 dollar waiver, and -- are you fucking ready for this -- $25 "towel" fee. If I wanted to get raped I would've...I would've....well I guess would've joined your gym and did squats right in front of your heavy-breathing juiced up clientèle.

I was ready to give up and invest in a body-suit until one day I was walking in Government Center and saw something I couldn't believe:

"Planet Fitness: Join Now! Only $10!"

I passed out. Not because I was in disbelief of this deal, but because the bright yellow and purple coloring of their logo gave me an epileptic seizure. Once I came too, I walked in.

The guy at the front desk of Planet Fitness couldn't have looked anymore different than the guy at Boston Sports Club. He didn't look like a young Mark Whalberg, he looked like a pre-pubescent Mark Summers. But hey, I'm far from a Dwayne Johnson myself so I didn't judge, and took this difference in appearance as a good, non-raping sign.

Of course there were some additional start up fees that they threw at me, but in the end the price was right. I was now a Planet Fitness member. And believe me, from every day thereon I was constantly reminded that I was a member of the cheapest gym in Boston.

First off, Planet Fitness apparently can't afford the licensing fees for any more than maybe eight different songs to be played over their sound system. And I guess they spent too much money on the indigo siren that tells you not to judge people for any of these songs to be quality beats. And these songs are a far cry from the Theme to Rocky IV. Instead of inspiring you to work your ass off to max and end the Cold War, they make you want to just give up on life and leave. I'm sorry but there's no way I can improve my body while listening to Evanesence and I sure as hell can't do any self-improving activity when the Click Five are playing.

The closest thing I can compare running on the Treadmills to is working in a sweatshop. Seriously, you're packed like sardines. You're waiting for the indigo siren to go off like a steam whistle, and think it does before you realize that the high pitched noise was just the chorus of that fucking "She's Bittersweet / She Knocks Me off Of My Feet" song again.

Last, but dear-mother-of-god not least, the locker rooms. One of my first blog posts I talked about how male gym-goers in Los Angeles will go to extreme lengths to hide their genitalia from you. If its just you and the average LA male in a locker room, he will literally pull a sixth grade move and go into the bathroom stall to change. People in LA don't want you to know that it's even possible for them to be naked.

Planet Fitness in Government Center is completely 100% opposite of that. At any given time, there is more exposed scrotum than there are available lockers. And keep in mind, this a ten dollar a month gym whose entire marketing campaign is aimed towards people who've never worked out a day in their life. Not exactly the kind of people that could at least make a living out of being naked. So, you're seeing a lot of lumpy, orbs of flesh walking around with their man-parts swigning every which way without a single ounce of shame.

And the worse the body is, the more they want to be naked around you. There are literally people who go to Planet Fitness who spend more time idling nude in the locker room than performing any sort of anaerobic activity.

And yet despite the crowded treadmills, the Senses Fail, and the horrifying truths of what the human body can look like, it doesn't seem like I'll be leaving Planet Fitness anytime soon. It's just too damn cheap, and since no one at the front desk actually checks your ID, I actually haven't paid in two months and am still going. Perhaps one day, I'll set my sights higher, and join a decent gym, but for now I'm settling with you, Planet Fitness. I have no other choice.

Thanks for reading y'all, and good things could be coming soon!

Ya boy,
-Andrew G. / Geno