Defending Charlie Sheen To TMZ

Charlie Sheen, after years of drug abuse and hooker dependency, was finally able to overcome and find great success not by getting clean, but by making these problems the basis of a fun-family sitcom. The American people found the playful take on this horrifying downward spiral of a confused, troubled derelict to be boisterously charming and cute. And when you add into the equation an impressionable twelve year to make joy lines at the expense of this sad story of a man, you get the #1 Most Watched Sitcom In America: Two and a Half Men.

Which is why I'm really surprised at TMZ's recent tirade on the world's most lovable sex offender. For the last two weeks, TMZ has been coming out with hilariously ridiculous story after hilariously ridiculous story, each one reporting Mr. Sheen's most recent crime against humanity. Charlie Sheen has been making the world a worse and worse place since the 1980's so the stories themselves are no surprises. However, this time TMZ is making me scratch my head. I'm not questioning the validity of these scoops, I'm surprised at the tone their taking. For the first time it seems as if they're actually CONDEMNING Mr. Sheen for his actions. And, quite frankly I don't get it.

Charlie Sheen has always been one of the few celebrities to get a consistent free pass during any sort of sex/drug scandal. Charlie Sheen could asphyxiate seventeen prostitutes during a money laundering scheme on a stolen yacht that was powered by pure uncut heroin, and the American public would just sigh, smile and say "Oh, Charlie Sheen. What am I going to DO with you?" Charlie Sheen is the only celebrity in which stories of sexual crimes and ecstasy trips actually HELP his image, rather than tarnish.

So where do you, TMZ, get off trying to all of a sudden instill morals into our society by making Charlie Sheen the bad guy? It's because of publications like yours glorifying his derelict behavior in the past that he has become a Network TV mega-star with absolutely no concept of morality in the first place. However now in 2011, TMZ's stories on Charlie have become more and more condescending. Consider the following post by TMZ:

"Charlie Sheen cannot be fired from "Two and a Half Men" for doing drugs, hiring hookers or any of his other antics ... because he doesn't have a "morals clause" in his contract, TMZ has learned.

Sources tell TMZ ... Charlie has never had a morals clause in his contract, which would allow Warner Bros. to fire him if he engaged in improper conduct that reflected badly on the show."

-http://www.tmz.com/2011/02/14/charlie-sheen-two-and-half-man-morals-clause-morality-drugs-cocaine-prostitutes/

Of course that's not in his contract, because doing drugs and hiring hookers is why CBS signed him to a contract in the first place. Don't make it seem like Charlie Sheen was shrewd enough to litigate such a clause against Paramount executives. PCP binges and attacking call-ladies with his penis is why CBS decided to build their entire Monday-night programming schedule around him in the first place.

In another article, TMZ writes:

"As we previously reported, Charlie hit up UCLA for some batting practice with a few major league buddies ... before giving an awesome anti-drug pep talk to the college team -- and the guy wasn't half bad. In fact, he almost hit a home run.

But "almost" ain't good enough for Charlie -- sources close to the actor tell us, he was distraught over his sub-par swinging skills ... so he made a beeline for the weight room and went back again today.

Who'da thunk Charlie would need help playing the field?"

-http://www.tmz.com/2011/02/11/charlie-sheen-baseball-swing-ucla-batting-practice-hit-the-gym-disappointed-swinger-bender-drugs

Lawl, TMZ. Seriously though, I don't understand this. Are you trying to say that Charlie's feeling a little bad about not being as good at baseball as Division 1 collegiate was induced by some sort of drug-crazed fit? For real, TMZ, this is some pretty lazy reporting. Charlie Sheen defiles a woman every 34.2 seconds -- which coincidentally is the exact mathematical rate that children are attacked by bears -- and the hottest scoop you can come up with is simply him leaving a baseball practice for a team that he was not apart of? Come on.

Let's move on to yet another article:

"Charlie Sheen has been texting several porn stars since he began treatment in his rehab program -- but TMZ has learned his messages are clear ... the party is OVER.

Among the messages Charlie has sent -- "Please lose the number, we are closed ... please drive through ... thank you."

Another text reads, "Right now we are on lockdown."

-http://www.tmz.com/2011/02/05/charlie-sheen-porn-stars-text-messages-closed-for-business-rehab-treatment-bender-two-and-a-half-men/

Charlie Sheen must be the only person that refers to not communicating with porn stars as "going on lockdown." Seriously though TMZ, leave the man alone already. Charlie Sheen not being able to befoul an underage Score.com chick, let alone resist the urge to text one of them without a picture of his Sheen - peen attached, must be like taking the guys first born child away.

Alright kiddos, I'm totally Sheened out. Until next time, stay strong and peace out.

-Andrew G. / Geno

Planet Fitness - The Crack Cocaine of the Gym Industry

I don't have a lot of money. I can barely afford the Internet connection that allows me to inspect bankofamerica.com and see just how badly the weekend has fucked any chance I had of paying the rent that was due six days ago. I have mastered the art of T hopping and my diet consists exclusively of potatoes, chicken patties, and occasionally Goldfish (when I really need that energy boost).

Throughout the sacrifices that a typical post-college lad has to deal with, staying in shape is still important to a lot of us, and I'm no exception. So I have two options. I could go running, but I guess the tax dollars that we spend to plow the sidewalks of Boston only apply to the ares of the city that AREN'T within a five mile radius of my apartment. I could do try to do push-ups and sit-ups in the comfort of my own room, but the collection of Natty-Ice cans and clothes that I refuse to pick up leaves me little room to do these exercises with perfect form. I even tried P90X for a few days before I wanted to shoot bullet holes all over Tony's perfect, saturated-fat free body.

So being unable to exercise on my own , I had no choice but to join a gym. But if you refer to Paragraph #1, my wallet has more expired Shaws cards than it does cold hard cash. So I had to really squeeze pennies, and I had to squeeze them fast while I still had the muscle strength to do so.

And guess what I found. ALL BOSTON GYMS ARE WAY TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE. Seriously. My buddy told me to join Boston Sports Club because "it's good for people on a budget." Believing that he was a good friend, I went to the front desk to check it out only for some DUDE who looked exactly like Mark Whalberg in Invincble to tell me it would cost me $60 a month to join his little steroid-of-the-month club. Thanks, but no thanks not-Mark Whalberg. Not only was it $60 a month but there was a 75$ start up fee, a $30 dollar waiver, and -- are you fucking ready for this -- $25 "towel" fee. If I wanted to get raped I would've...I would've....well I guess would've joined your gym and did squats right in front of your heavy-breathing juiced up clientèle.

I was ready to give up and invest in a body-suit until one day I was walking in Government Center and saw something I couldn't believe:

"Planet Fitness: Join Now! Only $10!"

I passed out. Not because I was in disbelief of this deal, but because the bright yellow and purple coloring of their logo gave me an epileptic seizure. Once I came too, I walked in.

The guy at the front desk of Planet Fitness couldn't have looked anymore different than the guy at Boston Sports Club. He didn't look like a young Mark Whalberg, he looked like a pre-pubescent Mark Summers. But hey, I'm far from a Dwayne Johnson myself so I didn't judge, and took this difference in appearance as a good, non-raping sign.

Of course there were some additional start up fees that they threw at me, but in the end the price was right. I was now a Planet Fitness member. And believe me, from every day thereon I was constantly reminded that I was a member of the cheapest gym in Boston.

First off, Planet Fitness apparently can't afford the licensing fees for any more than maybe eight different songs to be played over their sound system. And I guess they spent too much money on the indigo siren that tells you not to judge people for any of these songs to be quality beats. And these songs are a far cry from the Theme to Rocky IV. Instead of inspiring you to work your ass off to max and end the Cold War, they make you want to just give up on life and leave. I'm sorry but there's no way I can improve my body while listening to Evanesence and I sure as hell can't do any self-improving activity when the Click Five are playing.

The closest thing I can compare running on the Treadmills to is working in a sweatshop. Seriously, you're packed like sardines. You're waiting for the indigo siren to go off like a steam whistle, and think it does before you realize that the high pitched noise was just the chorus of that fucking "She's Bittersweet / She Knocks Me off Of My Feet" song again.

Last, but dear-mother-of-god not least, the locker rooms. One of my first blog posts I talked about how male gym-goers in Los Angeles will go to extreme lengths to hide their genitalia from you. If its just you and the average LA male in a locker room, he will literally pull a sixth grade move and go into the bathroom stall to change. People in LA don't want you to know that it's even possible for them to be naked.

Planet Fitness in Government Center is completely 100% opposite of that. At any given time, there is more exposed scrotum than there are available lockers. And keep in mind, this a ten dollar a month gym whose entire marketing campaign is aimed towards people who've never worked out a day in their life. Not exactly the kind of people that could at least make a living out of being naked. So, you're seeing a lot of lumpy, orbs of flesh walking around with their man-parts swigning every which way without a single ounce of shame.

And the worse the body is, the more they want to be naked around you. There are literally people who go to Planet Fitness who spend more time idling nude in the locker room than performing any sort of anaerobic activity.

And yet despite the crowded treadmills, the Senses Fail, and the horrifying truths of what the human body can look like, it doesn't seem like I'll be leaving Planet Fitness anytime soon. It's just too damn cheap, and since no one at the front desk actually checks your ID, I actually haven't paid in two months and am still going. Perhaps one day, I'll set my sights higher, and join a decent gym, but for now I'm settling with you, Planet Fitness. I have no other choice.

Thanks for reading y'all, and good things could be coming soon!

Ya boy,
-Andrew G. / Geno

Halloween Costumes That Should Be Retired / Punishable By Death

What makes consistent blog writing so difficult is trying to come up with interesting things to write about. And when you get to the point where your Monday – Friday schedule consists mostly of sleeping and searching for Ralph Nader biographies on Dailymotion (because youtube has the good ones all blocked), you’ll find that you don’t have much of anything to contribute to the world.

That’s pretty much what has happened to me in the last week only replace the words “sleeping” with “beer comas” and “Ralph Nader” with simply “Sinbad.”

My lack of being able to find out anything interesting about the world has reached a pretty low point. How low? I just spent about an hour on WaldoPedia. No, not Eddie Winslow’s slow witted yet good natured friend that we all remember from TGIF original and NAACP Image Award-Winning* Family Matters. I'm talking about that little striped-out, jean wearing homo that we all spent countless hours trying to finger out of various crowds. Crowds that made up some of the most fucked up societies I’ve ever seen. (Enlarge the picture on the right and take a look at what’s going on to get a good idea of what I’m talking about. You have about half the people keeling over, old men having their canes stolen away, and a goofy red and white clad tourist who thinks of this as a vacation and avoids these horrors by inconspicuously blending into the crowd.)

*I'm assuming.

The point is, I’m a 22 year old college graduate. There is absolutely no good excuse for me indulging in anything that even remotely resembles the Where’s Waldo experience. I’m way too old for that and Lost in Translation is pretty much the same thing only with 90% more Bill Murray. So what the fuck am I doing?

It’s times like these where I have to really search for motivation. Usually, I go to Google and do searches like “Justin+beiber+small pox” and see what the internet throws back at me, but that wasn’t doing it for me today. However, inspiration finally struck when I looked at the calendar hanging in my office. After having a co-worker explain to me what these were used for, I took a look to see if there was any interesting dates coming up. And boy was there! Halloween!

Upon being reminded of this, I was instantly filled with wicked delight for this mischievous holiday. However it didn’t take me long before I realized the constant downside to All Hallow's Eve: annoying Halloween costumes.

So here we go. My boredom at work combined with my neurotic hatred for most of society has led me to present you viewers in Blogland with this inclusive AND exclusive (double for your buck!) list of Halloween Costumes That Need To Be Retired or Are Just Really Stupid.

1.) Audrey Hepburn
God I had to get this one out of the way. Listen ladies, there is no faster way to get me to hate you than by dressing up as this chain smoking artifact from the 1950s.

This is a costume exclusively worn by ugly art students who want you to know how much more sophisticated their film taste is than yours. Only these girls don’t know the difference between “sophisticated” and “old stuff that was shot in black and white.”

What separates this one from the rest is no matter how many times we've all seen girls with daddy issues sporting this costume, any girl who's wearing it will insist it was there own original idea. And maybe up to 20% of them have actually seen an Audrey Hepburn movie. I’m not saying Ms. Hepburn wasn’t a big star for her time, but if you’re still watching her movies and being entertained by them you need to finally upgrade from projector to DVD player and pop in a copy of The House Bunny to see a true quality example of women in cinema.

Oh and by the way, Audrey Hepburn is dead. Way to be a buzzkill on Halloween ladies.

2.) The Joker

If you haven’t seen the The Dark Knight, please return back to the harvest as I’m sure all the other communists are wondering where you have gone. For those who stayed, this should come as no surprise. The excess of Joker costumes were bad enough back when this movie came out, and it’s gotten more cliché and lame as the years have gone on. Almost to the point where it’s now cliché to hate Joker costumes. Nonetheless if you think of going as the Joker for this Halloween, I’m sure you’ll be getting a phone call from 2008 asking for their unoriginality back.








3.) The Ghostbusters

Muslims forbid drawings of Muhammad, so why should America allow four vagrant college pussies who don’t even know what a Proton Pack is taint the sacred image of Peter, Raymond, Egon and Ernie Hudson? I would embellish this paragraph had that previous sentence not been the best point made by anybody ever.










4.) Sexy Spongebob Square Pants

None of my friends are registered sex offenders so I’m not aware of anyone who is actually going to go as this, but it’s something my friend told me about that sent chills down my spine. There’s just nothing right about this. I accept and embrace the slutty appeal of Halloween but this is just taking it to uncomfortable lengths. And even if you’re a costume designer who insists on being a closet pedophile by trying to tailor a “sexy” version of a children’s cartoon character, I still don’t think Spongebob is the way to go. You might be able to emphasize the sexiness more if you made the costume of a character that isn’t an anthropomorphic male toiletry.





5.) Puns / Play On Words

You have no idea how badly this irritates me. Halloween is about mischievous thrills and wild inhibitions, not a forum for your stupid ass to display how clever you are with the English language.

The worst example of this happened two years ago at one of my fraternity’s Halloween parties. Some willy wonka was walking around our basement with a CD-R tied around his neck, and a lighter in his hand. After asking him what he was supposed to be, he replied “I’m a CD burner.”

Too bad Mass. State Law has adopted very strict “don’t set people on fire” policies because I would’ve set ablaze to not only the remainder of that blank disc but the idiot that it was attached to.



So there you have it. This October 31, try not to embarrass yourself by wearing one of these types of costumes. We'll be doing enough of embarrassing things through our actions without you having to thrive off of other people's outdated stupid costume ideas. Be safe, have fun, and don't dress up like a queer.


-Andrew G / Geno

Gotta Steal to Eat, Gotta Eat to Live

Within 24 hours I’ll be in possession of an M.I.T. identification card that’ll have a picture of my face on it. If that isn’t the coolest thing you have ever heard of, please hit the “Back” button on your internet browser and stop pretending to take further interest in my life by reading anymore of this blog. Because if you think that, you clearly don’t matter to me.

Now some of you might be thinking “But Andrew G. / Geno, you never went to M.I..T.! You received your bachelor’s degree from Emerson College, and never pursued a post-undergraduate education! Saying you have an M.I.T. ID is misleading to those not familiar with your educational background!”

Yup.

Seriously though, it’s my first day at my new job -- my fourth total since I’ve graduated -- at the M.I.T. Graduate / Transfer Admissions office and I can tell it’s going to be a sick gig. I practically have my own office, a MacBook Pro all to myself, and -- as you can see -- the freedom to be silly instead of productive when there’s no work to do, and that brings me back to this blog.

A lot has changed since my last blog post. I’ve been prostituting myself to the workforce with various temp jobs, moved in with JC, and hopefully did that gay learning and growing as a person thing that everyone keeps talking about.

Happy about this new job though. After experiencing the superficial prison that was CORT Furniture, and the crazy person’s lucid dream* that was Bernette Research, it’s real nice to be involved in an environment such as M.I.T. Feels like I’m actually in a place that’s positively contributing to the world, rather than leeching off of it. Which of course, makes working a lot more fun and enjoyable.

*descriptive phrase stolen from Zack Lonberg, but still appropriate nonetheless.

I have plenty of things to write about for future blogging sessions, which I promise will become a regular thing once again now that I’m in a working environment that will allow me to do so. For now though, here are some random thoughts.


Random Thoughts:

-Fun weekend as numerous friends from home came up for a few days. Went with Langone and Australian Beth to Top of the Hub and had fancy martinis. Felt like Beantown gods. Although the elevator ride was really fast and it took awhile for my ears to pop. But other than that, GODS.

-Speaking of home, nice to have Matt G. also livin' the big city life as he studies the Litigating Arts at Boston College.

-Very pumped to hear that Noonan picked up Lewis Black tickets for this Friday at Northeastern. Me and Matt G’s run-in with the comedian outside the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom is one of my only memorable celebrity encounters, which I am admittedly very short on.

-I was very close to a nicotine relapse as my cigar intake over the last few weeks had been high. Still cigarette-free for over a year now, but my body had a seemingly found a loophole. So I’m cutting all of that as well. No more cheating.

-Ugh. Weezer. Tried really, really, REALLY hard to like their new album Hurley but just couldn’t get passed River Cuomo’s retardedness. Ugh. Blue is still to this day the greatest rock album ever made by anybody, but it's unfortunate to see Weezer fade away like they have been doing lately.

-The lyrics “Gotta steal to eat / Gotta eat to live / Otherwise we’d get along” kinda sound like a Tupac song but it’s actually from Aladdin. So does "One jump ahead of the lawmen"

-Fagan.

-Here’s wishing my brother’s friend Joe Gawlak a speedy recovery and hopefully he’ll back to his bouncin’ self once his tibia AND fibula are 100%


To the two or three people that have supported this blog throughout its hiatus, I thank you, and I plan to write tons more in the coming weeks.

Until the next time kids.

-Andrew G. / Geno

Daddy's Home

Hi world. Yes, yes I know, it's been a while. Things have been up, down, and all around for me these past few weeks but I'm happy to say that everything is starting to look a little better for me right now, and I'm super pumped about some new opportunities that are coming my way. Most importantly though, I realized that I need to keep on writing if I actually want to continue feeling like a real person. I was watching the Hot Chick the other day and felt the same way most people feel when they watch that movie: "I need to start doing something more with my life." In fact I think that exact line appears on the back of the DVD case from some movie reviewer. So I'm going to continue to write. Hopefully it'll all be funny, but I'm gonna post really whatever comes to my mind and maybe, just maybe, one of you will want to hook up with me for being such a linguistic.

If that last sentence made any sense to you, good for you.

Ah yes, the good news. I have two bits of good news.

1.) I am officially now a professional writer.
2.) Hell yeah!

I have been in contact with this place called Gramify for the past few weeks now. Gramify is a company that specializes in humorous over-the-phone greeting cards using licensed cartoon characters. For example, you may get a phone call from Homer Simpson wishing you a happy birthday in a comedic way. I found this company on Emerson's ehire website, where they said they were in need for comedy writers to write these greeting-card scripts, so of course I applied.

After speaking with the very friendly VP of Licensing, Helen, she said that they were in need of greeting card scripts using characters from this show called Domo. You may remember the word "domo" from part of the chorus of heart-pounding Styx classic "Mr. Robotto." Or if you're a know-it-all dick, from the Japanese saying of "thank you." However, you have probably never heard of the TV series, and neither did I until I started working with Gramify.

Domo is this series of short stop-motion animated cartoons that are about the misadventures of this weird, blob-shaped non-speaking alien thing. I don't know, he's some kind of foreign creature. With the assistance of his friends Tashanna (a spunky female squirrel) and Mr. Usagi (a very proper, monacle wearing, middle aged rabbit) Domo finds himself getting into ALL SORTS OF TROUBLE. Oh, and here's the best part: Hilarity ensues.

So I emmersed myself into this cartoon series and at first wanted to describe it as "weird" and "abnormal" but then realized that those words don't even begin to describe what goes on in this show. Domo makes Monty Python look like CSI. It's a really, really eccentric and offbeat cartoon that I'm surprised made it on Nick Jr's airwaves. However, the more and more I watched the more I found a method to the retarded madness.

Yet I still found myself with a tough challenge. I had to write a script that had to be delivered entirely audibly (meaning no action or visuals) with a character who didn't speak. It turned out to be a real, real fun challenge that's going to lead to fuckin' Domo and his stupid idiot friends to have a special place in my heart forever.

I just got off the phone with Gramify today and they want me to write AT LEAST two more by Monday morning. So unfortunately I need to stop writing for fun and start writing for money, brigning this blog post to an end. I just want to say thanks to all of my friends who have supported my decision to pursue a career in writing. Everyone's words of encouragement is endlessly appreciated. I'm only a good at a few things: restoring a N64 cartridge back to health by blowing into it, embarrassing myself in front of girls, music, and writing, and its nice to know that the people I care about are supporting me doing what I love to do.


Random Thoughts / Notes

-My roommate and good buddy Adam showed me this band called Northstar last night. I listened to it and I was almost angry at myself for not getting into them sooner as they embody almost everything I like about rock music. Check out this song by them called Between Horns and Halos

-Props to Casey D for sending this along to me: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/1c63d64d27/kieran-vollard-teaches-you-how-to-make-love. This information will not go unappreciated

-Once again, I hate girls. After about 5 days of not being in contact and with this one jezebel who I ignored the last time she tried to speak to me, she decides to send me a facebook message saying not to be in contact with her anymore. No problem, creepo. Not a lot of things are worse than someone who you think is awesome turning out to suck as a person.

-My main man Pat turns 23 at midnight tonight. Talks of strip clubs are happening but I am fearful of relapsing back into my old strip club addiction, which is a WHOLE OTHER blog post in and of itself.

-Speaking of relapse, Eminem's new stuff continues to disappoint one of the biggest Shady fans you'll ever meet. Recovery pales in comparison to anything he's ever done and now I think its actually worse than Encore. With such a strong comeback with Relapse, it's really confusing how Eminem was able to "relapse*" back into making sub par albums so fast.

*lolololol

Much love all around,
Andrew G. / Geno