Celtic Pride!

Tonight, we witness the attempt by one of the most storied NBA franchises and inspiration for one of the most underrated Judd Apatow movies to claim their eighteenth NBA championship and bring endless joy to the city of Boston. Though us Mass. natives may not express “joy” the same way you out-of-staters might. While the rest of the country may show your jubilation by singing songs, eating cake, and holding each other’s hands, Boston does things a little differently; more specifically, flipping over trucks and causing irreversible amounts of property damage. It may sound strange to rest of the pampered American society but I assure you that nothing says I LOVE MY CITY like setting it on fire.

And thus, I would like to take this time to run down the Celtics roster to those who are either non-basketball watchers or just think all black people look the same.

Paul Pierce

The Celtics team captain, Paul Pierce was bestowed the second coolest nickname from the guy with the first coolest nickname when Shaquille O’Neil dubbed him “The Truth.” Nevermind the fact that he’s been playing for Boston for over a decade nor the fact that he is consistently one of the highest-scorers on the team, Paul Pierce is the man for one reason: he got stabbed ELEVEN TIMES IN THE FACE* and had a beer bottle smashed over his head and not only survived, but didn’t miss a single game that season.

*Seriously, eleven times in the face. You would think even the most inexperienced stabber could hit vital vein or organ with that many attempts.



Glen Davis

Glen “Big Baby” Davis is a goddamn dinosaur. Seriously, the man was biochemically created from a the DNA they found in a fossilized misquito. It’s a true testament to Doc River’s coaching abilities that he was able to train Glen Davis to play a very solid defensive and offensive game and not just eat the basketball and all the players in front of him.



Kevin Garnett

Genius linguistics came up with the phrase “he’s such a G” just so that years later there could be a way to accurately describe Kevin Garnett. The acquisition, along with Ray Allen, that brought the Celtics franchise back to prominence, KG is the man on every level imaginable.









Rasheed Wallace

Rasheed Wallace is fucking insane. He’s also a a funny hat and couple of missing teeth away from legally being declared a Muppet (see right). A great defensive bench player and clutch 3pt hitter, Rasheed Wallace nevertheless ranks up their with “tall cliffs” and “dark alleys” in a list of “Things To Never Let Children Near.”






Annnd that’s all I feel like writing for now. See ya on the streets of Boston!

Git ir done,
-Andrew G / Geno