So yeah I know I said I'd continue with the Facebook statuses, but I started thinking about this and really wanted to write about it.
Stupid bitch: Ya know, Geno I think you should really check out my blog. It's about Male Sexuality Through a Woman's Perspective.
Me: Actually, I don't think I'm ever going to do that. You stupid bitch.
This is a conversation that I may have changed a few words of that I had with a bitch who was stupid that I met at a party about a year or so ago in Boston. It was people like her who thought that they're uneducated stupid-bitch opinions would be of any interest to me that made me think the whole "blog" thing was an absolute joke.
It may come as a surprise to you SB, but some of us can actually enjoy sex without having to over-analyze it and write about it in a public diary. The problem with this blog is its concept. A Woman's View On Male Sexuality. Right then and there you're basically telling us you are writing about something you know nothing about. Where the fuck do you, a non-penis person get off in telling me how to use my penis? Fuck you.
No. I never actually read the thing, if it ever actually existed. And even if it did, based on the sex life this girl probably had, I doubt any of the advice she'd be giving could have been very relatable to anybody else. I'm assuming her blog posts had titles along the lines of "How Ritalin Affects The Taste of Semen" or "What to Do When a Guy Has to Stop Going Down on You to Use His Inhaler Every Two Minutes: Part 5"
So I soured on the whole blog thing for a while, thinking they were stupid and possibly written by bitches. Then three of my really close friends started writing them, and I actually found myself enjoying reading stuff that wasn't the ignorant rants of an insane undersexed prude. And because they're the ones who inspired me to get my own blog, I'd like to take the time to give the three of them a shout-out. Because blogs aside, they're all awesome people anyway.
Jen Gineros - JennieGee at Sea
A friend of mine since freshmen year at Emerson College, Jen "Motherfucking" Gineros is currently participating in this study-abroad program in which she travels around the world on a boat, visiting various major cities and taking classes. And apparently, its just as much of an awesome, life-changing experience as it sounds. Which is saying something. A theater studies major and a director of many school plays, Jen has a unique, refreshing, and interesting view on life and I highly recommend you check it out.
Nick Langone - Nick's Mapping Adventure
An unofficial member of the Geanacopoulos family, Nick is the motherfucking man. His blog is about the practical uses of cartography (map making), and the science that goes behind it. To quote Nick, "I find it weird that I used to play SimCity 2000 a lot as a kid and am now getting a degree in city planning." This may seem like an unusual topic to create a blog about, but rest assured; when you and your gang of thieves have to penetrate the Petrified Forest in order to revive your friend with the Super Soft, you are going to be glad that Nicholas Anthony Langone was there to guide you with his map skills.
Vinny Cueva - A Real Shot of Life
While you were doing your subject-predicate homework in third grade, Vinny Cueva was fucking your English teacher and making an honest woman out of her. So don't give the guy grief when you spot grammar issues in his blog. Vinny Cueva does not give a fuck about the sanctity of the student-teacher relationship and sure as shit isn't going to be concerned about what a semi-colon is supposed to be used for. Go back to drawing your Venn Diagrams you fucking nerd. Vinny writes honest, hilarious stories about his life that are a must read. So read them.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Overly Used / Obnoxious Types of Facebook Statuses, Part 1
Facebook is a networking site that lets you in on the innermost thoughts of your friends, family, co-workers, strangers who have the same last name as you, and the drug-dealing Romanian twins you met at a taping of Ellen. Facebook was invented by a guy who looks like this:
You’ve probably already noticed that this guy’s face comes with an incredible urge for you to put your fist through it. And ever since he invented the “status” feature of Facebook, he’s made us want to attack the faces of thousands of other people who use it as well. Way too many people abuse this feature by typing idiotic things, and I would like to go over some of them with you.
In order to protect the humiliating identities of these posters, I've kept the names anonymous (except for #1 and #4, that's my friend Alex! Fagan from Longmeadow, MA who goes to Westfield State College with a degree in Communications). To further mask their identity and to make myself laugh, I've also added a picture of what I feel represents them the most. The original Facebook statuses are written in Courier font, in different colors, and are entirely idiotic.
Obviously, there are a lot of different kinds of annoying Facebook statuses, so I’m going to break this up into two posts. So without further ado here’s part FUN of a two part series…Overly Used / Obnoxious Types of Facebook Statuses.
There are some people out there who whenever they see a form in which they can type text in, they feel the need to fill it is with as much useless information about their life as they can. And they don’t stop typing until they either fall asleep or break their hands.
This probably wasn’t the best one to start off because I couldn’t find a great example but it’s a good example of someone giving us way too much information than we could ever care about. I also enjoy giving this particular good friend of mine shit.
I’m not sure exactly what my friend is so angry about, but he seems way too concerned about how taking a class he doesn’t like is going to affect his offspring. Maybe you should be more concerned about not using your Facebook as a diary so you can someday maybe produce said offspring.
Commercials try to pass off a lot of things as cool. Camels with sunglasses, roller skating mice, and Ashton Kutcher. They all try to sell us things based on their supposed higher social status. Yet most anyone who made it passed second grade realizes that none of these things really define an elite life in reality. Most people; not everyone. There are some people out there who dream of being Jared from Subway and its really fucking sad.
These kids probably thought that the inspirational puppeteers who sang songs about not drinking laundry detergent were ACTUAL cowboys. And yet years of Tide-free small intestines have gone by since then and they’re still writing idiotic things like this:
I think I’m supposed to believe you’re some kind of badass for blatantly ignoring doctors orders. Despite the fact that everything I know about medical science tells me that working out with a broken clavicle is a terrible fucking idea, I’m supposed to put that out of my mind and accept you for the charming rogue that you are. A little bit of advice: try letting your scar tissue heal and regaining your white blood cell count before you feel the need to prove your manhood to the internet.
3.) The Emo Riddler and His/Her Cryptic Messages:
Some people just don’t want you to know they’ve had a bad day, they want to make a game out of it. They want you to guess what possibly could have happened to them to make them so mysteriously sad. Ladies and gentlemen get ready for the breath-taking, dramatic caper that is….
This is followed by several comments asking this person what went wrong, to which this person gives no concrete answer, leaving this case wide open!
Look, I don’t know what brought you to the point where you felt you had to express your state of apathy through cleverly typed punctuation, but I’m not gonna waste my time trying to figure it out.
After they get done posting the high score they got on Jetman, some people take this as a perfect opportunity to give us advice on how to run a country. Most of the time they’re just compiling a list of the words they couldn’t understand on CNN and placing them in their status, trying to get us to believe they’re smarter than us.
Dude, you got so excited about politics your brain threw up words on facebook. After reading this I’m not entirely sure if you even know the meaning of health care, income brackets or what a Massachusetts is.
5.) Way, Way Too Personal Information
The things people will do to get attention. If the people who you see on Cops knew how to use a computer, you would probably get something like this:
I have no idea what your goal possibly could have been for posting this, but you have utterly, utterly failed in accomplishing it. Not only does everyone now know about this horrible rumor that I think you’re trying to keep secret, but we also know you can’t even spell your girlfriend’s name right*.
*Seriously, what kind of name is that?
Also that little “:P” emoticon. What’s that supposed to mean? That only makes me think there’s more to the story than “we just kissed.”
Also, whoever was spreading this rumor about you probably isn’t going to be deterred by a poorly written, giant run on sentence that he sees you've typed on the internet.
Well that's all I have for now. Come back in the next day or so for more annoying people you can laugh at. Until then, one love.
-Andrew/Geno
You’ve probably already noticed that this guy’s face comes with an incredible urge for you to put your fist through it. And ever since he invented the “status” feature of Facebook, he’s made us want to attack the faces of thousands of other people who use it as well. Way too many people abuse this feature by typing idiotic things, and I would like to go over some of them with you.
In order to protect the humiliating identities of these posters, I've kept the names anonymous (except for #1 and #4, that's my friend Alex! Fagan from Longmeadow, MA who goes to Westfield State College with a degree in Communications). To further mask their identity and to make myself laugh, I've also added a picture of what I feel represents them the most. The original Facebook statuses are written in Courier font, in different colors, and are entirely idiotic.
Obviously, there are a lot of different kinds of annoying Facebook statuses, so I’m going to break this up into two posts. So without further ado here’s part FUN of a two part series…Overly Used / Obnoxious Types of Facebook Statuses.
1.) Overly Long Narrative of Your Day
There are some people out there who whenever they see a form in which they can type text in, they feel the need to fill it is with as much useless information about their life as they can. And they don’t stop typing until they either fall asleep or break their hands.
This probably wasn’t the best one to start off because I couldn’t find a great example but it’s a good example of someone giving us way too much information than we could ever care about. I also enjoy giving this particular good friend of mine shit.
"there is a man in his late forties in my social geography class, who claims to have 5 degrees and teaches history at a community college. I heard him talking to a freshman before class today and he was filling this poor student's head with truly terrifying ideas about society. Just because you can keep going back to school doesn't make you an intelligent person, and I hope my kids never have a teacher like that man."
I’m not sure exactly what my friend is so angry about, but he seems way too concerned about how taking a class he doesn’t like is going to affect his offspring. Maybe you should be more concerned about not using your Facebook as a diary so you can someday maybe produce said offspring.
2.) Trying to Be Cool When You Have No Idea What Being Cool Entails
Commercials try to pass off a lot of things as cool. Camels with sunglasses, roller skating mice, and Ashton Kutcher. They all try to sell us things based on their supposed higher social status. Yet most anyone who made it passed second grade realizes that none of these things really define an elite life in reality. Most people; not everyone. There are some people out there who dream of being Jared from Subway and its really fucking sad.These kids probably thought that the inspirational puppeteers who sang songs about not drinking laundry detergent were ACTUAL cowboys. And yet years of Tide-free small intestines have gone by since then and they’re still writing idiotic things like this:
"Screw what the doctors say about my broken shoulder, I’m going to the gym!!"
I think I’m supposed to believe you’re some kind of badass for blatantly ignoring doctors orders. Despite the fact that everything I know about medical science tells me that working out with a broken clavicle is a terrible fucking idea, I’m supposed to put that out of my mind and accept you for the charming rogue that you are. A little bit of advice: try letting your scar tissue heal and regaining your white blood cell count before you feel the need to prove your manhood to the internet.
3.) The Emo Riddler and His/Her Cryptic Messages:
Some people just don’t want you to know they’ve had a bad day, they want to make a game out of it. They want you to guess what possibly could have happened to them to make them so mysteriously sad. Ladies and gentlemen get ready for the breath-taking, dramatic caper that is….
“= /”
This is followed by several comments asking this person what went wrong, to which this person gives no concrete answer, leaving this case wide open!
Look, I don’t know what brought you to the point where you felt you had to express your state of apathy through cleverly typed punctuation, but I’m not gonna waste my time trying to figure it out.
4.) Political Messages
After they get done posting the high score they got on Jetman, some people take this as a perfect opportunity to give us advice on how to run a country. Most of the time they’re just compiling a list of the words they couldn’t understand on CNN and placing them in their status, trying to get us to believe they’re smarter than us.“super pumped for universal healthcare, since it wont effect me negatively as I make less than 200k a year. Maybe if I lived somewhere that's not Massachusetts (who've had a similar system in place for about 4 years) I might have a reason to be upset. I tell you one thing, I'm really REALLY gonna miss that extra $10 a month.”
Dude, you got so excited about politics your brain threw up words on facebook. After reading this I’m not entirely sure if you even know the meaning of health care, income brackets or what a Massachusetts is.
5.) Way, Way Too Personal Information
The things people will do to get attention. If the people who you see on Cops knew how to use a computer, you would probably get something like this:
"Ok id just like to clear up a stupid rumor, someone whos really jealous of me dating ashlynn has decided to go around and tell everybody that we did some sexual things. This is a lie! We've only kissed :P So stop being so dramatic, and move on with your lives. It isnt true."
I have no idea what your goal possibly could have been for posting this, but you have utterly, utterly failed in accomplishing it. Not only does everyone now know about this horrible rumor that I think you’re trying to keep secret, but we also know you can’t even spell your girlfriend’s name right*.
*Seriously, what kind of name is that?
Also that little “:P” emoticon. What’s that supposed to mean? That only makes me think there’s more to the story than “we just kissed.”
Also, whoever was spreading this rumor about you probably isn’t going to be deterred by a poorly written, giant run on sentence that he sees you've typed on the internet.
Well that's all I have for now. Come back in the next day or so for more annoying people you can laugh at. Until then, one love.
-Andrew/Geno
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thanks!
Just want to say "thanks" to everyone who's been giving me feedback on this thing. This feedback has been positive. Actually, overwhelmingly positive and I really appreciate it. This was just a way to hone my writing skills and goof off at work, but I'm glad I've been able to entertain my close friends (who's opinions are the only ones I could care about anyway). So thanks guys, you know who you are = ).
Also for those of you who are both color blind and can't recognize shapes, I've made a new lay out to the site. It took me like twenty minutes debating which shade of dark yellow was going to be the color of my text only for me to decide that white was the better option. And then I chose beige.
Also for those of you who are both color blind and can't recognize shapes, I've made a new lay out to the site. It took me like twenty minutes debating which shade of dark yellow was going to be the color of my text only for me to decide that white was the better option. And then I chose beige.
Monday, March 29, 2010
You Would
There's no hope in trying to tell unfunny people that they suck at joke telling. Because as far as the unfunny are concerned, they're just as witty and cleverly observant as anybody else. When I briefly made very light fun of How I Met Your Mother, I was bombarded by friends with facebook comments and IMs that told me how wrong I was for making fun of a show that (while I still don't hate the show) I thought nobody actually took seriously. Which is why I liked it. I thought it was so stupid and blatantly queer that there was nobody in the world who could be so equally stupid and blatantly queer to take a show like this seriously. I was wrong. And all of the fat chicks I see walking around in LA with "I HEART NEIL PATRICK HARRIS" t shirts made me realize I was really wrong. And it totally ruined the show for me.
Yes, Neil Patrick Harris is gay. Yes, he plays a straight man on the show who likes to hound chicks. My three year old cousin doesn't even know how to pronounce half of the consonants in the word "ironic" but she could probably point out what the irony of this is to you. Something that's so obviously ironic as this shouldn't provide more than a few genuine chuckles out of the situation, but as far as the stupid are concerned this is the most brilliant inside joke the television industry has ever seen. I'm not sure whether its to desperately prove to the world they're not homophobic at all or some weird daddy issues they haven't talked to a therapist about yet but the HIMYM audience is way, WAY too obsessed with the fact that Neil Patrick Harris enjoys butt sex, and quite frankly, its really creeping me out.
But at least there's some funny parts of HIYMY (which I'm sure most of which go unnoticed by its general fag-hag audience.) There are plenty of other things stupid people are quoting and saying that make you want to never laugh or smile or feel good again. I'd like to take the time to discuss these things.
1.) "You would"
This is what somebody says when you do something that's just oh so YOU! and they feel the need to point it out. It's what stupid people say to you when they're trying to make fun of YOU for being stupid
"I just slipped on a banana peel and had a pie in my face."
"You would lololololololololol."
I didn't really have much a problem until one of my friends kept using it over and over and fucking over again regardless of whatever I said. I swear to Christ the following conversation actually happened:
"I'm going to go to the dining hall and then go the library."
"You would."
What? What!? What does that mean? No seriously. What the fuck does that mean? How is eating and studying anyway indicative of my character? Is the joke that I'm a completely normal person? Or is the joke just you're a goddamn idiot and have stupid-joke-Tourette's-syndrome?
2.) "That's What She Said"
It pains me so much to put this one up here, but never has something been so misused and overexposed by idiots than this. This line is supposed to be used sparingly and only when you have no other choice than to say it; not because you heard a phrase that reminded you of boobs and it made your geeky ass giggle with celibate delight. Way to ruin a great catchphrase from what used to be a great show, dickhead. You might as well still be running around saying "WE ARE THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NIIII! WE'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING! STELLLLAAAAAAAA!!!" while doing a Ron Burgundy imitation.
3.) Snooki is Just Craazzzzy! And that Situation Guy? What's up with him!!??
Jersey Shore is what happens when the people who used to clean your swimming pool get their own television show. And actually, its just as good as it sounds. The people who are in this show are gonna be mentioned in our biology textbooks years to come in the de-evolution section. The show is hillarious and it proves no matter hard anyone tries to be funny, no one could not possibly in a million years ever script the things that comes out these peoples mouths.
But geuss what. I just described to you the entire point of the show. What gets me mad is people who think they're brilliant socilogists by telling us just how crazy Jersey Shore is. Way to go, Freud. Why don't you tell me that Who Wants To Be a Millionaire gives money away to people? Or that there's a lot of action in 24?
This is a case of stupid people trying to attack people who are stupider than them, but the only people they can find that are actually stupider than them is the cast of Jersey Shore. When you're watching someone like Snooki violently girate to techno music only to throw herself at the nearest avialable guy and vomit all over him, and all you can think about is how smarter you are than her, you might be giving yourself a little too much credit. That's like having your goldfish die and feeling superior about your longer life span.
Likewise those who feel they are too sophisticated for Jersey Shore and find it tawdry and appauling...well I doubt you're reading this far cause you probably had to go back to the harvest with the rest of the other communists.
Yes, Neil Patrick Harris is gay. Yes, he plays a straight man on the show who likes to hound chicks. My three year old cousin doesn't even know how to pronounce half of the consonants in the word "ironic" but she could probably point out what the irony of this is to you. Something that's so obviously ironic as this shouldn't provide more than a few genuine chuckles out of the situation, but as far as the stupid are concerned this is the most brilliant inside joke the television industry has ever seen. I'm not sure whether its to desperately prove to the world they're not homophobic at all or some weird daddy issues they haven't talked to a therapist about yet but the HIMYM audience is way, WAY too obsessed with the fact that Neil Patrick Harris enjoys butt sex, and quite frankly, its really creeping me out.
But at least there's some funny parts of HIYMY (which I'm sure most of which go unnoticed by its general fag-hag audience.) There are plenty of other things stupid people are quoting and saying that make you want to never laugh or smile or feel good again. I'd like to take the time to discuss these things.
1.) "You would"
This is what somebody says when you do something that's just oh so YOU! and they feel the need to point it out. It's what stupid people say to you when they're trying to make fun of YOU for being stupid
"I just slipped on a banana peel and had a pie in my face."
"You would lololololololololol."
I didn't really have much a problem until one of my friends kept using it over and over and fucking over again regardless of whatever I said. I swear to Christ the following conversation actually happened:
"I'm going to go to the dining hall and then go the library."
"You would."
What? What!? What does that mean? No seriously. What the fuck does that mean? How is eating and studying anyway indicative of my character? Is the joke that I'm a completely normal person? Or is the joke just you're a goddamn idiot and have stupid-joke-Tourette's-syndrome?
2.) "That's What She Said"
It pains me so much to put this one up here, but never has something been so misused and overexposed by idiots than this. This line is supposed to be used sparingly and only when you have no other choice than to say it; not because you heard a phrase that reminded you of boobs and it made your geeky ass giggle with celibate delight. Way to ruin a great catchphrase from what used to be a great show, dickhead. You might as well still be running around saying "WE ARE THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NIIII! WE'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING! STELLLLAAAAAAAA!!!" while doing a Ron Burgundy imitation.
3.) Snooki is Just Craazzzzy! And that Situation Guy? What's up with him!!??
Jersey Shore is what happens when the people who used to clean your swimming pool get their own television show. And actually, its just as good as it sounds. The people who are in this show are gonna be mentioned in our biology textbooks years to come in the de-evolution section. The show is hillarious and it proves no matter hard anyone tries to be funny, no one could not possibly in a million years ever script the things that comes out these peoples mouths.
But geuss what. I just described to you the entire point of the show. What gets me mad is people who think they're brilliant socilogists by telling us just how crazy Jersey Shore is. Way to go, Freud. Why don't you tell me that Who Wants To Be a Millionaire gives money away to people? Or that there's a lot of action in 24?
This is a case of stupid people trying to attack people who are stupider than them, but the only people they can find that are actually stupider than them is the cast of Jersey Shore. When you're watching someone like Snooki violently girate to techno music only to throw herself at the nearest avialable guy and vomit all over him, and all you can think about is how smarter you are than her, you might be giving yourself a little too much credit. That's like having your goldfish die and feeling superior about your longer life span.
Likewise those who feel they are too sophisticated for Jersey Shore and find it tawdry and appauling...well I doubt you're reading this far cause you probably had to go back to the harvest with the rest of the other communists.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The Big Bang Theory Is Horrible I Mean...Just...Dear God Its Terrible
*CURRENTLY UNFINISHED*
Every Monday night, millions of teens and young adults who are confused abut their sexuality tune in to watch the weekly antics of Ted Mosby (top right, homo) trying to find the perfect mate he can call his wife on the hit CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. I used to watch the show regularly but after having the CBS executives ignore my thousands of hand-written letters that suggested they nix the current show concept and make it about solely about the sexual escapades of "Unleash the Dragon" writer Sisqo (bottom right, what a real man looks like), I went on an indefinite boycott of the show.
After having my dreams of How Sisqo Fucked Your Mother: The Next Generation shattered by the CBS / Paramount suits, I thought was the last straw that made me decide that CBS was the embodiment of evil. After giving the Price is Right to Drew Carey and not Jay Peterman and giving Charlie Sheen a starring role in Two and a Half Men, I thought they couldn't go any lower. That is until I saw The Big Bang Theory.
I shouldn't have to tell you The Big Bang Theory is bad. That should be like telling you not to put your dick inside of animals at the zoo, and if you somehow do get your dick inside of one of them, you should NEVER mistake that experience for the carnal pleasures you get from screwing. Then again, as the Internet will show you time and time again, there are people out there who not only willfully put their penises inside of zoo creatures, but create and publish glamour shots of themselves doing it. So I guess do I have to tell you how bad The Big Bang Theory is after all.
After challenging my brain to come up with a relatable metaphor that I could use to accurately describe this stupid fucking show I came up with this: Watching The Big Bang Theory is like taking a science test in sixth grade only to lift your head up and find your balding, under-sexed teacher staring and winking suggestively at you in the creepiest way possible. There's a certain dirty feeling you get from watching that's not unlike going through grandma's black-on-black porno stash. Only watching this show makes you wanna stop what you're doing and confess your sins to the closest available priest a lot sooner.
The Big Bang Theory is about two Cal-Tech who we're supposed to accept as brilliant physicists, not just two raving social-defects who we would want to punch in the face.
*CURRENTLY UNFINISHED*
Every Monday night, millions of teens and young adults who are confused abut their sexuality tune in to watch the weekly antics of Ted Mosby (top right, homo) trying to find the perfect mate he can call his wife on the hit CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. I used to watch the show regularly but after having the CBS executives ignore my thousands of hand-written letters that suggested they nix the current show concept and make it about solely about the sexual escapades of "Unleash the Dragon" writer Sisqo (bottom right, what a real man looks like), I went on an indefinite boycott of the show.
After having my dreams of How Sisqo Fucked Your Mother: The Next Generation shattered by the CBS / Paramount suits, I thought was the last straw that made me decide that CBS was the embodiment of evil. After giving the Price is Right to Drew Carey and not Jay Peterman and giving Charlie Sheen a starring role in Two and a Half Men, I thought they couldn't go any lower. That is until I saw The Big Bang Theory.
I shouldn't have to tell you The Big Bang Theory is bad. That should be like telling you not to put your dick inside of animals at the zoo, and if you somehow do get your dick inside of one of them, you should NEVER mistake that experience for the carnal pleasures you get from screwing. Then again, as the Internet will show you time and time again, there are people out there who not only willfully put their penises inside of zoo creatures, but create and publish glamour shots of themselves doing it. So I guess do I have to tell you how bad The Big Bang Theory is after all.
After challenging my brain to come up with a relatable metaphor that I could use to accurately describe this stupid fucking show I came up with this: Watching The Big Bang Theory is like taking a science test in sixth grade only to lift your head up and find your balding, under-sexed teacher staring and winking suggestively at you in the creepiest way possible. There's a certain dirty feeling you get from watching that's not unlike going through grandma's black-on-black porno stash. Only watching this show makes you wanna stop what you're doing and confess your sins to the closest available priest a lot sooner.
The Big Bang Theory is about two Cal-Tech who we're supposed to accept as brilliant physicists, not just two raving social-defects who we would want to punch in the face.
*CURRENTLY UNFINISHED*
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Ultimate Mate
The following is for a class project that assigned me to create a television show concept that combined elements from two other television shows. So without further adooooooooo allow me to give you my ground breaking cutting edge combination of The Ultimate Fighter and the Bachelorette. I give you...the Ultimate Mate!
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Since God invented cavemen, men have been fighting over women. And when I say fighting I don’t mean standing in row of other dudes in front of a bunch of cameras and three-point lighting waiting for some girl to hand you a rose. I’m talking about straight up, physical, knock-down drag-out fighting. In this age of reality television, you see men doing so many things to gain the approval of a beautiful, classy woman. Yet, however cute and innocent they try to make it, it all goes back to man’s primitive nature to engage in physical combat over the fairer sex. I think it is time to showcase these raw emotions as they really are which is why I wish to take the show The Ultimate Fighter, and put it into a reality show context. The working title for my concept for now shall be The Ultimate Mate.
----------------------
Since God invented cavemen, men have been fighting over women. And when I say fighting I don’t mean standing in row of other dudes in front of a bunch of cameras and three-point lighting waiting for some girl to hand you a rose. I’m talking about straight up, physical, knock-down drag-out fighting. In this age of reality television, you see men doing so many things to gain the approval of a beautiful, classy woman. Yet, however cute and innocent they try to make it, it all goes back to man’s primitive nature to engage in physical combat over the fairer sex. I think it is time to showcase these raw emotions as they really are which is why I wish to take the show The Ultimate Fighter, and put it into a reality show context. The working title for my concept for now shall be The Ultimate Mate.
The Ultimate Fighter is a weekly television show on SpikeTV (the network for men) that showcases mix-martial arts action of the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) promotion. Not to be confused with professional wrestling, UFC has real, unscripted fights. On this show, professional mix-martial artists that have yet to make a big name for themselves are situated in a house outside of Las Vegas, Nevada and compete against each other for the title of “The Ultimate Fighter”, winning a six-figure, multi-fight contract with the UFC, which is considered to be NFL or NBA of mix-martial fighting. So there are already some elements of reality television within the Ultimate Fighter. However, there isn’t as much interpersonal drama as there is in most reality television shows. The focus always remains on the fight, not necessarily on roommate drama. These television shows are meant to promote UFC’s bi-monthly pay-per-view events.
The idea to change up this show would be to change what the mix martial artists are fighting for. In The Ultimate Fighter they are fighting over a UFC contract. In The Ultimate Mate they are fighting over a woman. I would compare it to the successful ABC show, the Bachelorette. The Bachelorette features a beautiful, successful, single woman looking to choose a mate amongst twenty five bachelors. In order to decide which one she wants, she has the men do random odd jobs and activities and weeds out the ones she’s not pleased with until she’s down to the one she wants. Rather than having the decision be left up to the woman, I say let the men fight it out themselves.
The show would be set up as follows. The show will start with thirty-two MMA fighters, all potential mates for the bachelorette. After getting to know our candidates, they will all be paired off for a total of sixteen matches. Then a single-elimination tournament will begin. Those who win their match will advance, while those who lose will be booted out of the competition. The matches will be contested under standard MMA rules and feature an octagon-ring surrounded by a cage, just like in The Ultimate Fighter. They fight and fight until it is down to just two and the winner of that match will crowned be the “ultimate mate,” and get to walk off with the woman of choice.
The show would be more than just fighting though. As the show progresses these muscle-bound warriors will have the chance to woo the bachelorette with not just their physical prowess, but how romantic they can be as well. For example, some will get the opportunity to take the bachelorette on a date. While these won’t affect who advances and who doesn’t it’s a chance for these gladiators to show off their personality in an attempt to increase fan support.
Obviously this could cause some controversy and might offend some people – particularly women who don’t like the idea of being viewed as trophies -- but like all other reality shows it’ll be done in such a cheesy and campy way that it’s really hard to be offended by it. I believe the appeal of this concept is the combination of the drama in reality television and the thrill of watching high-impact athletic competition. Such a combination could attract a very wide demographic of viewers and I think could be quite successful. Who will be the ultimate mate???
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
People In LA Don't Want You to See Their Dick
When I got to middle school and had to start changing in a locker room before gym class the first thing I taught myself -- besides not getting an erection when they did the scoliosis test -- was to non discretely change out of my clothes in such a manner as to not to draw attention to my momentarily bare penis. Ten years later, I still go to the gym and find that myself and everyone else have mastered the art of scrotum shrouding. However the people at the gym I go to in Los Angeles are still insecure about doing this.
I go to a gym called Synergy because its right next to the building where I take my classes. As you might at expect with anything with the name Synergy its pretty damn gay there. The trainers there look they would be perfect fits for a gay porno spin off of 300, or, even gayer, the actual movie 300.
But enough about my wet dreams. You think with all the natural homoeroticism that emanates from the gym, I assumed its typical gym goers would be chomping at the bit to show me their penises. But as the old saying goes about assumptions: assuming is for faggots.
I was sitting on the bench in the locker room. I was already in my gym clothes and was lacing up my sneakers, ready to kick ass on the tredmill. It's just me in the locker room. Then this guy who I've seen a couple times before comes in and sees me there. He just looks at me for several seconds with fear in his eyes, and I could tell he was debating with himself over something. After seemingly making up his mind, he grabs his regular clothes and goes in to the bathroom stall to change.
He went to the bathroom stall to change. I haven't done that since I was in sixth grade. Then to make matters even stranger this other dude comes in, who was still in his regular clothes comes in. He sees me in the locker room still lacing my shoes and notices the dude in the stall. He makes the remark to me "full house huh?"*
*Okay let me go off on a tangent here. I see this guy all the time at the gym and everytime he enters the lockerroom, he makes the remark "full house, huh?" No matter how many people were in the locker room, and no matter how much it didn't make sense to the situation, he still said it. At first it annoyed me but then I came to the conclusion that this was the only phrase this man knew how to say in English. That makes me feel bad for him cause this means the only social situations he can fit in to are playing poker and watching Bob Saget/John Stamos sitcoms.
But enough about my wet dreams. After saying "full house, huh" for the fifteenth time since Ive been a member, he looks over at me and the occupied bathroom stall...and just leaves. Rather than having to be semi-naked for a breif second in front of me, he chose to leave the gym and not work out.
Look, there are few things in this world I want less than for these gym goers to see my penis. That's one of the truest statements I've ever made. And yet I continue to carry on, and take the good with the bad.
Los Angeles continues to surprise me with its anti-dickness.
I go to a gym called Synergy because its right next to the building where I take my classes. As you might at expect with anything with the name Synergy its pretty damn gay there. The trainers there look they would be perfect fits for a gay porno spin off of 300, or, even gayer, the actual movie 300.
But enough about my wet dreams. You think with all the natural homoeroticism that emanates from the gym, I assumed its typical gym goers would be chomping at the bit to show me their penises. But as the old saying goes about assumptions: assuming is for faggots.
I was sitting on the bench in the locker room. I was already in my gym clothes and was lacing up my sneakers, ready to kick ass on the tredmill. It's just me in the locker room. Then this guy who I've seen a couple times before comes in and sees me there. He just looks at me for several seconds with fear in his eyes, and I could tell he was debating with himself over something. After seemingly making up his mind, he grabs his regular clothes and goes in to the bathroom stall to change.
He went to the bathroom stall to change. I haven't done that since I was in sixth grade. Then to make matters even stranger this other dude comes in, who was still in his regular clothes comes in. He sees me in the locker room still lacing my shoes and notices the dude in the stall. He makes the remark to me "full house huh?"*
*Okay let me go off on a tangent here. I see this guy all the time at the gym and everytime he enters the lockerroom, he makes the remark "full house, huh?" No matter how many people were in the locker room, and no matter how much it didn't make sense to the situation, he still said it. At first it annoyed me but then I came to the conclusion that this was the only phrase this man knew how to say in English. That makes me feel bad for him cause this means the only social situations he can fit in to are playing poker and watching Bob Saget/John Stamos sitcoms.
But enough about my wet dreams. After saying "full house, huh" for the fifteenth time since Ive been a member, he looks over at me and the occupied bathroom stall...and just leaves. Rather than having to be semi-naked for a breif second in front of me, he chose to leave the gym and not work out.
Look, there are few things in this world I want less than for these gym goers to see my penis. That's one of the truest statements I've ever made. And yet I continue to carry on, and take the good with the bad.
Los Angeles continues to surprise me with its anti-dickness.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Six Months Without Nicotine
I went for a six mile run when I woke up today. All I could think of while doing was that I could have never even gone half a mile six months ago.
On September 21st, 2009 I was pretty much a wreck. I was constantly sick, my old job didn't hire me back, I just moved into an apartment that was left a complete shithole by its previous tenants, and I was smoking about a pack and half of cigarettes a day.
After leaving Rock Bottom with my good friend B. Dep, I realized I had one last Pal Mal left in its crumpled red cigarette pack. Usually this meant: "time to go to 7/11 and spend 7-9 dollars on another pack." However this time, my conscious started to eat away at me. I had no job, no source of income. My dad's employment at his company was in serious question, my mom had money problems, and yet they were continuing to support me by giving me all this spending money, 90% of which went to cigarettes.
Usually, I put these kind of thoughts out of my head when I plop another chunk of money down for nicotine, but this time my concsious finally got me. It was screaming at me not to do in there and do it. All I could think about was how shitty and horrible I would've felt if I actually went into that 7/11 and paid the clerk -- who at this point knew my name cause he had seen my ID so many times -- for yet another pack.
I couldn't. I didn't. I just lit up my sole remaining Pal Mal and continued walking with B.Dep. Once we got outside Piano Row, she waited for me to finish the cigarette.
"Pal Mal?" she said then added sarcastically, "Classy."
It was around then I looked at my reflection in the Piano Row mirrors and was just disgusted with what I saw. My face was terribly pale and the only color I had left on my face was the acne that I was breaking out with. I looked frail, hunchbacked, and weak. I remembered waking up that morning with a horribly scratchy throat and conjested chest. I remember back when I was living at 38 Park Vale coughing so violently in my room I made myself throw up. I couldn't believe that I haven't even made it passed age 21 and my body was already breaking down on me. I knew that I couldn't have it deteriorate any further. Yet, I also knew it was going to be a long, uphill battle for me to pull myself out of the slump I had put myself in.
"Yo," I told B. Dep, and then with a bit of a grimace on my face "This is my last cigarette. I think ever."
B.Dep actually seemed to believe me. However I had made this declaration so many times before that she was gonna be the only one of my friends who had any faith in me actually doing it.
It was only three hours later I was going through horrible withdrawls and begged my friend Connor for a cigarette. He gave one to me. I came so close to smoking it. I think I even put in my mouth. And then, as if I had no control over my right hand, I crumpled it up and threw as far into the Boston Gardens as I could. I got on the T, went home, and immediately went slept.
The next week was about as horrible of a week I've ever had. I honestly felt like I've been shooting heroine all my life and going through withdrawls. I was literally in physical pain and I thought that, fuck it, it's not worth it.
And yet, I continued on. No matter how bad it got, something kept keeping me from smoking. I remember seeing one of Vinny's cigars in the living room and coming close to lighting up, but as soon as I was about to light it up, I kept thinking of how shitty I would feel if, after all this time, I gave up.
And so I went. For two miserable, horrible weeks. I felt like a zombie. Then one day, on the C line, something happened. I felt something I haven't felt in a while, if ever. I felt totally free. Yeah, I still wanted a cigarette, yeah I still had some fits. But finally I felt like I no longer needed them.
And here I am now, six months from September 21st, right on the beginning of Spring and I can honestly say out of everything I've ever done, I've never been more proud of myself. I did what so many of my friends thought I couldn't do, quit cigarettes. And now, I feel like I could do anything. Things like staying in shape, eating right, getting up early to go work, and doing all of my homework seem like pretty minuscule tasks when compared to the quitting process. I am now sitting on my studio's deck, looking at the mountainous landscape of Los Angeles, and am and very excited about what I could make out of my life if I put in as much effort as I did to quitting.
If anyone who is reading this smokes cigarettes and thinks they are doomed to a life of nicotine, you're not alone, and yet you can totally overcome it. It doesn't take patches, pills, or hypnosis either. All it takes is, as corny as it sounds, is believing in yourself that you CAN and HAVE to do this. While you may feel down on yourself for smoking, just know that there is no better feeling in the world that knowing you've quit. I honestly mean that.
-Blog Quote: "Right now, hide your feathers on the back porch baby, he's coming home for you've been such a liar"
-"Feathers," Coheed & Cambria.
Peace children,
Andrew / Geno
On September 21st, 2009 I was pretty much a wreck. I was constantly sick, my old job didn't hire me back, I just moved into an apartment that was left a complete shithole by its previous tenants, and I was smoking about a pack and half of cigarettes a day.
After leaving Rock Bottom with my good friend B. Dep, I realized I had one last Pal Mal left in its crumpled red cigarette pack. Usually this meant: "time to go to 7/11 and spend 7-9 dollars on another pack." However this time, my conscious started to eat away at me. I had no job, no source of income. My dad's employment at his company was in serious question, my mom had money problems, and yet they were continuing to support me by giving me all this spending money, 90% of which went to cigarettes.
Usually, I put these kind of thoughts out of my head when I plop another chunk of money down for nicotine, but this time my concsious finally got me. It was screaming at me not to do in there and do it. All I could think about was how shitty and horrible I would've felt if I actually went into that 7/11 and paid the clerk -- who at this point knew my name cause he had seen my ID so many times -- for yet another pack.
I couldn't. I didn't. I just lit up my sole remaining Pal Mal and continued walking with B.Dep. Once we got outside Piano Row, she waited for me to finish the cigarette.
"Pal Mal?" she said then added sarcastically, "Classy."
It was around then I looked at my reflection in the Piano Row mirrors and was just disgusted with what I saw. My face was terribly pale and the only color I had left on my face was the acne that I was breaking out with. I looked frail, hunchbacked, and weak. I remembered waking up that morning with a horribly scratchy throat and conjested chest. I remember back when I was living at 38 Park Vale coughing so violently in my room I made myself throw up. I couldn't believe that I haven't even made it passed age 21 and my body was already breaking down on me. I knew that I couldn't have it deteriorate any further. Yet, I also knew it was going to be a long, uphill battle for me to pull myself out of the slump I had put myself in.
"Yo," I told B. Dep, and then with a bit of a grimace on my face "This is my last cigarette. I think ever."
B.Dep actually seemed to believe me. However I had made this declaration so many times before that she was gonna be the only one of my friends who had any faith in me actually doing it.
It was only three hours later I was going through horrible withdrawls and begged my friend Connor for a cigarette. He gave one to me. I came so close to smoking it. I think I even put in my mouth. And then, as if I had no control over my right hand, I crumpled it up and threw as far into the Boston Gardens as I could. I got on the T, went home, and immediately went slept.
The next week was about as horrible of a week I've ever had. I honestly felt like I've been shooting heroine all my life and going through withdrawls. I was literally in physical pain and I thought that, fuck it, it's not worth it.
And yet, I continued on. No matter how bad it got, something kept keeping me from smoking. I remember seeing one of Vinny's cigars in the living room and coming close to lighting up, but as soon as I was about to light it up, I kept thinking of how shitty I would feel if, after all this time, I gave up.
And so I went. For two miserable, horrible weeks. I felt like a zombie. Then one day, on the C line, something happened. I felt something I haven't felt in a while, if ever. I felt totally free. Yeah, I still wanted a cigarette, yeah I still had some fits. But finally I felt like I no longer needed them.
And here I am now, six months from September 21st, right on the beginning of Spring and I can honestly say out of everything I've ever done, I've never been more proud of myself. I did what so many of my friends thought I couldn't do, quit cigarettes. And now, I feel like I could do anything. Things like staying in shape, eating right, getting up early to go work, and doing all of my homework seem like pretty minuscule tasks when compared to the quitting process. I am now sitting on my studio's deck, looking at the mountainous landscape of Los Angeles, and am and very excited about what I could make out of my life if I put in as much effort as I did to quitting.
If anyone who is reading this smokes cigarettes and thinks they are doomed to a life of nicotine, you're not alone, and yet you can totally overcome it. It doesn't take patches, pills, or hypnosis either. All it takes is, as corny as it sounds, is believing in yourself that you CAN and HAVE to do this. While you may feel down on yourself for smoking, just know that there is no better feeling in the world that knowing you've quit. I honestly mean that.
-Blog Quote: "Right now, hide your feathers on the back porch baby, he's coming home for you've been such a liar"
-"Feathers," Coheed & Cambria.
Peace children,
Andrew / Geno
Saturday, March 20, 2010
La La Land
If you plan to live in Los Angeles you have two career choices, either a.) entertainment industry or b.) Mexican. One of those jobs expects you to have years of experience, college degrees, talent, some technical abilities, networking and people skills while the other demands you know how to fold pita bread the right way. When people talk about what makes Los Angeles so different from the rest of the world, things that get mentioned are its mountainous landscape, luxurious beaches and its emphasis on beautiful people*, but I think that the definitive thing that makes LA stand out from all the other cities in America is the fact that is driven by one and only one interest, which of course is entertainment.
*I do want to point out that the stereotype that people from Los Angeles are in any way more attractive than East Coasters is a blatant lie. Not to sound like a dick, but some of the ugliest people I've ever seen live here. A couple weeks ago while I was on lunch break I went to a McDonalds and the people there were so disfigured I completely lost my appetite and have not been to a McDonalds since.
To me, this is really interesting, if not fucking crazy (and I don't mean that necessarily in a bad way). You can literally not go anywhere in Los Angeles without overhearing someone talking about their new ground-breaking romantic comedy screenplay that is -- get this -- about a guy and girl who don't know how in love with each other they really are. Are you ready for a movie that not only touches your funnybone but your heart as well?
Hyperbole aside, whether I am in the gym, Starbucks, bars, or just screaming at people on the crosswalk, that's all you'll ever hear being talked about. You might already have that vision of LA in your head, but let me try to put this in perspective for you. That's like a major city being run by only the dentist industry. Imagine living in Chicago and seeing tabloid magazines about controversial wisdom teeth extractions. Imagine not being able to go anywhere in Boston without hearing someone talking about the hot new toothbrush that not only cleans your teeth, but your soul, as well.
I'm not trying to talk down on Los Angeles like so many people do, not at all. It's in many ways a beautiful city that's almost impossible to not have fun in, and so far its been a great experience. But its more obsessed with TV and film than I ever could have imagined, which is actually pretty awesome.
Under the contingencies that I don't smoke tonight, tomorrow will be six months since my last cigarette and I plan on writing about that tomorrow.
Blog quote:
"It was me Austin! It was me all along Austin!!"
-one of the greatest evil geniuses of our time, Vince McMahon.
Out,
Andrew/Geno
*I do want to point out that the stereotype that people from Los Angeles are in any way more attractive than East Coasters is a blatant lie. Not to sound like a dick, but some of the ugliest people I've ever seen live here. A couple weeks ago while I was on lunch break I went to a McDonalds and the people there were so disfigured I completely lost my appetite and have not been to a McDonalds since.
To me, this is really interesting, if not fucking crazy (and I don't mean that necessarily in a bad way). You can literally not go anywhere in Los Angeles without overhearing someone talking about their new ground-breaking romantic comedy screenplay that is -- get this -- about a guy and girl who don't know how in love with each other they really are. Are you ready for a movie that not only touches your funnybone but your heart as well?
Hyperbole aside, whether I am in the gym, Starbucks, bars, or just screaming at people on the crosswalk, that's all you'll ever hear being talked about. You might already have that vision of LA in your head, but let me try to put this in perspective for you. That's like a major city being run by only the dentist industry. Imagine living in Chicago and seeing tabloid magazines about controversial wisdom teeth extractions. Imagine not being able to go anywhere in Boston without hearing someone talking about the hot new toothbrush that not only cleans your teeth, but your soul, as well.
I'm not trying to talk down on Los Angeles like so many people do, not at all. It's in many ways a beautiful city that's almost impossible to not have fun in, and so far its been a great experience. But its more obsessed with TV and film than I ever could have imagined, which is actually pretty awesome.
Under the contingencies that I don't smoke tonight, tomorrow will be six months since my last cigarette and I plan on writing about that tomorrow.
Blog quote:
"It was me Austin! It was me all along Austin!!"
-one of the greatest evil geniuses of our time, Vince McMahon.
Out,
Andrew/Geno
Friday, March 19, 2010
Family & BFFs / Introduction
All this time away from MA for the first time has really put things into perspective for me. just a couple minutes ago I started thinking of the people who matter most to me in the world, the people whose lives I want to forever be a part of; obviously, family and close friends.
I think a lot of it comes down to trust; how much am I sure that somebody is going to be there for me when I really need them the most and, likewise, what I'm going to do for them.
As it weird as it may sound, I consider the best of friends and family to fulfill two qualifications: 1.) I need to be at your wedding and 2.) if I'm still alive need to be at your funeral. Like, there are certain friends/acquaintances to who I imagine getting married and thinking simply "good for them." Then there are others and am certain, "I need to be here for this moment."
Those are the REALLY important people to your life. Such people almost become legendary to you. It's like your in a movie with your favorite actor when you're around them, and you're just so honored and thankful to have each other as part of your lives.
Wow. Who would've though expressing my emotions through writing for the first time would already turn me into such a homo. I just think I never really appreciated and cherished just how much family and close friends mean to me: the entire fucking world. I used to always consider myself a pretty lonely kid since the day I was born but since coming to LA I realized how truly lucky and blessed I am to have so many of the people that I have in my life.
But yeah, I think I'm gonna try this whole writing thing a try for real this time. This may just be the rambling words of a stoned closet-emo kid trying to find a hip trendy way to air his emotions but, hey maybe you might be entertained.
In the words of a much wiser man than me, "Life is pain, and its up to us the scrape the joy out of it"
Fagan out,
Andrew
I think a lot of it comes down to trust; how much am I sure that somebody is going to be there for me when I really need them the most and, likewise, what I'm going to do for them.
As it weird as it may sound, I consider the best of friends and family to fulfill two qualifications: 1.) I need to be at your wedding and 2.) if I'm still alive need to be at your funeral. Like, there are certain friends/acquaintances to who I imagine getting married and thinking simply "good for them." Then there are others and am certain, "I need to be here for this moment."
Those are the REALLY important people to your life. Such people almost become legendary to you. It's like your in a movie with your favorite actor when you're around them, and you're just so honored and thankful to have each other as part of your lives.
Wow. Who would've though expressing my emotions through writing for the first time would already turn me into such a homo. I just think I never really appreciated and cherished just how much family and close friends mean to me: the entire fucking world. I used to always consider myself a pretty lonely kid since the day I was born but since coming to LA I realized how truly lucky and blessed I am to have so many of the people that I have in my life.
But yeah, I think I'm gonna try this whole writing thing a try for real this time. This may just be the rambling words of a stoned closet-emo kid trying to find a hip trendy way to air his emotions but, hey maybe you might be entertained.
In the words of a much wiser man than me, "Life is pain, and its up to us the scrape the joy out of it"
Fagan out,
Andrew
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