You’ve probably already noticed that this guy’s face comes with an incredible urge for you to put your fist through it. And ever since he invented the “status” feature of Facebook, he’s made us want to attack the faces of thousands of other people who use it as well. Way too many people abuse this feature by typing idiotic things, and I would like to go over some of them with you.
In order to protect the humiliating identities of these posters, I've kept the names anonymous (except for #1 and #4, that's my friend Alex! Fagan from Longmeadow, MA who goes to Westfield State College with a degree in Communications). To further mask their identity and to make myself laugh, I've also added a picture of what I feel represents them the most. The original Facebook statuses are written in Courier font, in different colors, and are entirely idiotic.
Obviously, there are a lot of different kinds of annoying Facebook statuses, so I’m going to break this up into two posts. So without further ado here’s part FUN of a two part series…Overly Used / Obnoxious Types of Facebook Statuses.
1.) Overly Long Narrative of Your Day
There are some people out there who whenever they see a form in which they can type text in, they feel the need to fill it is with as much useless information about their life as they can. And they don’t stop typing until they either fall asleep or break their hands.
This probably wasn’t the best one to start off because I couldn’t find a great example but it’s a good example of someone giving us way too much information than we could ever care about. I also enjoy giving this particular good friend of mine shit.
"there is a man in his late forties in my social geography class, who claims to have 5 degrees and teaches history at a community college. I heard him talking to a freshman before class today and he was filling this poor student's head with truly terrifying ideas about society. Just because you can keep going back to school doesn't make you an intelligent person, and I hope my kids never have a teacher like that man."
I’m not sure exactly what my friend is so angry about, but he seems way too concerned about how taking a class he doesn’t like is going to affect his offspring. Maybe you should be more concerned about not using your Facebook as a diary so you can someday maybe produce said offspring.
2.) Trying to Be Cool When You Have No Idea What Being Cool Entails
Commercials try to pass off a lot of things as cool. Camels with sunglasses, roller skating mice, and Ashton Kutcher. They all try to sell us things based on their supposed higher social status. Yet most anyone who made it passed second grade realizes that none of these things really define an elite life in reality. Most people; not everyone. There are some people out there who dream of being Jared from Subway and its really fucking sad.These kids probably thought that the inspirational puppeteers who sang songs about not drinking laundry detergent were ACTUAL cowboys. And yet years of Tide-free small intestines have gone by since then and they’re still writing idiotic things like this:
"Screw what the doctors say about my broken shoulder, I’m going to the gym!!"
I think I’m supposed to believe you’re some kind of badass for blatantly ignoring doctors orders. Despite the fact that everything I know about medical science tells me that working out with a broken clavicle is a terrible fucking idea, I’m supposed to put that out of my mind and accept you for the charming rogue that you are. A little bit of advice: try letting your scar tissue heal and regaining your white blood cell count before you feel the need to prove your manhood to the internet.
3.) The Emo Riddler and His/Her Cryptic Messages:
Some people just don’t want you to know they’ve had a bad day, they want to make a game out of it. They want you to guess what possibly could have happened to them to make them so mysteriously sad. Ladies and gentlemen get ready for the breath-taking, dramatic caper that is….
“= /”
This is followed by several comments asking this person what went wrong, to which this person gives no concrete answer, leaving this case wide open!
Look, I don’t know what brought you to the point where you felt you had to express your state of apathy through cleverly typed punctuation, but I’m not gonna waste my time trying to figure it out.
4.) Political Messages
After they get done posting the high score they got on Jetman, some people take this as a perfect opportunity to give us advice on how to run a country. Most of the time they’re just compiling a list of the words they couldn’t understand on CNN and placing them in their status, trying to get us to believe they’re smarter than us.“super pumped for universal healthcare, since it wont effect me negatively as I make less than 200k a year. Maybe if I lived somewhere that's not Massachusetts (who've had a similar system in place for about 4 years) I might have a reason to be upset. I tell you one thing, I'm really REALLY gonna miss that extra $10 a month.”
Dude, you got so excited about politics your brain threw up words on facebook. After reading this I’m not entirely sure if you even know the meaning of health care, income brackets or what a Massachusetts is.
5.) Way, Way Too Personal Information
The things people will do to get attention. If the people who you see on Cops knew how to use a computer, you would probably get something like this:
"Ok id just like to clear up a stupid rumor, someone whos really jealous of me dating ashlynn has decided to go around and tell everybody that we did some sexual things. This is a lie! We've only kissed :P So stop being so dramatic, and move on with your lives. It isnt true."
I have no idea what your goal possibly could have been for posting this, but you have utterly, utterly failed in accomplishing it. Not only does everyone now know about this horrible rumor that I think you’re trying to keep secret, but we also know you can’t even spell your girlfriend’s name right*.
*Seriously, what kind of name is that?
Also that little “:P” emoticon. What’s that supposed to mean? That only makes me think there’s more to the story than “we just kissed.”
Also, whoever was spreading this rumor about you probably isn’t going to be deterred by a poorly written, giant run on sentence that he sees you've typed on the internet.
Well that's all I have for now. Come back in the next day or so for more annoying people you can laugh at. Until then, one love.
-Andrew/Geno
Brilliant.
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