You Would

There's no hope in trying to tell unfunny people that they suck at joke telling. Because as far as the unfunny are concerned, they're just as witty and cleverly observant as anybody else. When I briefly made very light fun of How I Met Your Mother, I was bombarded by friends with facebook comments and IMs that told me how wrong I was for making fun of a show that (while I still don't hate the show) I thought nobody actually took seriously. Which is why I liked it. I thought it was so stupid and blatantly queer that there was nobody in the world who could be so equally stupid and blatantly queer to take a show like this seriously. I was wrong. And all of the fat chicks I see walking around in LA with "I HEART NEIL PATRICK HARRIS" t shirts made me realize I was really wrong. And it totally ruined the show for me.

Yes, Neil Patrick Harris is gay. Yes, he plays a straight man on the show who likes to hound chicks. My three year old cousin doesn't even know how to pronounce half of the consonants in the word "ironic" but she could probably point out what the irony of this is to you. Something that's so obviously ironic as this shouldn't provide more than a few genuine chuckles out of the situation, but as far as the stupid are concerned this is the most brilliant inside joke the television industry has ever seen. I'm not sure whether its to desperately prove to the world they're not homophobic at all or some weird daddy issues they haven't talked to a therapist about yet but the HIMYM audience is way, WAY too obsessed with the fact that Neil Patrick Harris enjoys butt sex, and quite frankly, its really creeping me out.

But at least there's some funny parts of HIYMY (which I'm sure most of which go unnoticed by its general fag-hag audience.) There are plenty of other things stupid people are quoting and saying that make you want to never laugh or smile or feel good again. I'd like to take the time to discuss these things.

1.) "You would"
This is what somebody says when you do something that's just oh so YOU! and they feel the need to point it out. It's what stupid people say to you when they're trying to make fun of YOU for being stupid

"I just slipped on a banana peel and had a pie in my face."
"You would lololololololololol."

I didn't really have much a problem until one of my friends kept using it over and over and fucking over again regardless of whatever I said. I swear to Christ the following conversation actually happened:

"I'm going to go to the dining hall and then go the library."
"You would."

What? What!? What does that mean? No seriously. What the fuck does that mean? How is eating and studying anyway indicative of my character? Is the joke that I'm a completely normal person? Or is the joke just you're a goddamn idiot and have stupid-joke-Tourette's-syndrome?

2.) "That's What She Said"

It pains me so much to put this one up here, but never has something been so misused and overexposed by idiots than this. This line is supposed to be used sparingly and only when you have no other choice than to say it; not because you heard a phrase that reminded you of boobs and it made your geeky ass giggle with celibate delight. Way to ruin a great catchphrase from what used to be a great show, dickhead. You might as well still be running around saying "WE ARE THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NIIII! WE'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING! STELLLLAAAAAAAA!!!" while doing a Ron Burgundy imitation.

3.) Snooki is Just Craazzzzy! And that Situation Guy? What's up with him!!??

Jersey Shore is what happens when the people who used to clean your swimming pool get their own television show. And actually, its just as good as it sounds. The people who are in this show are gonna be mentioned in our biology textbooks years to come in the de-evolution section. The show is hillarious and it proves no matter hard anyone tries to be funny, no one could not possibly in a million years ever script the things that comes out these peoples mouths.

But geuss what. I just described to you the entire point of the show. What gets me mad is people who think they're brilliant socilogists by telling us just how crazy Jersey Shore is. Way to go, Freud. Why don't you tell me that Who Wants To Be a Millionaire gives money away to people? Or that there's a lot of action in 24?

This is a case of stupid people trying to attack people who are stupider than them, but the only people they can find that are actually stupider than them is the cast of Jersey Shore. When you're watching someone like Snooki violently girate to techno music only to throw herself at the nearest avialable guy and vomit all over him, and all you can think about is how smarter you are than her, you might be giving yourself a little too much credit. That's like having your goldfish die and feeling superior about your longer life span.

Likewise those who feel they are too sophisticated for Jersey Shore and find it tawdry and appauling...well I doubt you're reading this far cause you probably had to go back to the harvest with the rest of the other communists.